Tidying my room this afternoon I discovered a poem I wrote at school. I don’t know exactly when I wrote it, but it must have been about Year 7 or 8 when we still had R.S. lessons. Most of my poetry from this time is very childish, very cheesy, very immature; but this struck me as different. It was written as part of a piece of homework for the aforementioned R.S. and I was obviously inspired by the brief:
I am the one who loves life
As a chapter of my soul,
I am the one who doesn’t deny
The wrongs of my whole.
I am the one who gets excited
Over the silliest things.
I am the one who is easily pleased,
My mind is like a person who sings.
I am myself.
No-one is like me.
It strikes a chord with me, even now. I do love life – everything I do I try to make the most of, to make memories that I can look back on and smile. Even the negative holds a significance and make me a better person. Each little thing I do is a part of my story. Sometimes things come to an end – this is the end of a chapter. Sometimes new things appear – a new chapter. But all documented to read back on if I get a little lost in the plot. Even at age 12 I could play with metaphors!
The next part – I don’t deny my wrongs – if I am wrong I try to admit it. No-one likes to be proved wrong, but also no-one can be right all of the time. I am NOT perfect, and do not pretend to be. I apologise when I should. I also accept my failings – I’m painfully shy, and this can make me selfish. I am so scared of making a fool of myself that I tend to think only of myself in a situation, rather than how it affects those around me. It also makes me scared to take risks, try new things or be spontaneous. I know deep down that if I could be more confident I would probably get further in many things, and the things I regret may have happened differently. But I also know I can’t change the past and must move on. That is another failing – I remember too much. I over-think, and let things come back and haunt me. I cling onto the past, becoming nostalgic and a daydreamer. Not always a good position to be in.
I can still be very much like a child. I get excited about little things such as sequins or flowers, I then can crash almost as quickly when the situation changes. My party for my 21st is fast approaching and every now and then I get all excited – homemade cake, lots of bright colours, surrounded by family and friends – but then I think of those who can’t come and it’s like being 6 again. The child who lived out of town and never went to other children’s parties. Never had the whole class at her birthday party because it was ‘too far’ or they were ‘on holiday’. Even now I look at my guest list and notice that those I grew up with are not on the list. I’m not on theirs, ever, so why should they be on mine? Yet again, at almost 21 I’m the one who doesn’t go to the ‘school’ parties. This is not to say I won’t enjoy my birthday, and I won’t appreciate each and every person who comes to celebrate with me. I know that those who come (or try to come), WANT to come. They are the ones who care, and the ones I want to see. I also know that being July, and in the middle of nowhere, not everyone I would love to see will be able to come, but it just makes me reminisce.
The smallest things can make me smile – a smiley face, a flower, a colourful dress, an old photograph, a valued friend….tiny pieces in a bigger puzzle. There are people in my life who only have to say hello to cheer me up, even when I don’t think I can smile. Always know what to say, or do, in order to make me feel better. I don’t honestly know what I’d do without them. I often think of lyrics when I am alone. There is always a song which exemplifies how I feel, and I often end up singing it all day. If you ever wonder how I’m feeling, listen to what I’m humming! Unless I’ve heard it on the radio or TV earlier of course 😛
I guess the point of all this is, I am me. No-one else, and no-one else is me. I’ve had my doubts, I’ve wanted to be something else or somebody else. I’ve wanted to be the popular girl, the ‘cool’ girl, wanted to be fashionable and envied. But that was never really me. I have my friends, and they are amazing. I still don’t understand what they really see in me, and why they are so good to me! I am certainly not ‘cool’, but then, where is the fun in that? I am quirky, and I have interests that are unusual. I continued my ballet despite it being ‘uncool’, and I enjoy spending time with my Grandparents because I find them interesting. They have so many stories, and have done so much…much more than I feel I could ever do! Clothes wise, what is fashion anyway? Slave to the trends? Wearing what some eccentric designer says you should wear? No thank you. I wear what I like; and I like bright colours, tights not trousers, lots of jewellery and vintage style. Often all together! I have had my ‘mistakes’ and I have worn things because everyone else is, but I think I have found myself. As for being envied, I have had my compliments and I have made my mark with What Liza Wore. That will do for me 🙂
‘There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’ ~Anaïs Nin
‘There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud. ‘ ~Carol Shields