It’s been months since my last post. Oops. Not because nothing has happened….quite the opposite! Lots has happened! I’ve turned 21, I’ve graduated with a First Class degree with Honours, I’ve spent a month visiting Brunei, I’ve been a part of Calendar Girls at the Attfield, I’ve seen both my best friends for the first time in months and I’ve just got back from Paris with one of them! So, life is good 🙂
However, now the reality of real life is beginning to tap me on the shoulder. There is only so long I can successfully stick my head in the sand….sooner or later I have to come up and breathe. This scares the hell out of me if I’m honest! I’ve always been so sure that I can be independent….I never missed my parents on week long school trips, I refused to phone them during my summer holidays at Granny’s and I spent a lot of my time alone. Keeping busy. But then I went to University and discovered how sheltered and naive I was. I wanted my Mum’s advice at every turn. I had to cook and clean and shop for myself. I had to make new friends, and most of all I had to use my own tongue. I’ve always been shy….I try to avoid talking on the phone and prefer email or text. I hate asking for directions or help of strangers. Saying that, I hate asking things of people I know too!! Except those I’m closet too. Even now, three years later, I try to get away with not speaking to people, I avoid conversations that I don’t want to have, and I have a constant fear of saying something stupid. Making a fool of myself. My insecurities haven’t improved despite everything I’ve done.
Now that I’ve graduated, the expectation is to be breaking free and making my own way in the world. Moving out, getting a job, being free and independent to do what I want. However, the thought of learning to drive petrifies me. I see the benefits – being able to see friends, going to town, going to interviews and ultimately getting a job – but the thought of being in control of a powerful machine, it being my responsibility, and for someone to have to teach me….I want to run away. It’s back to that idea of making a fool of myself. I hate it. Then, if I get past that, I have to apply for jobs. Then go to interviews. Then actually do the job. What do I want to do? No idea. Where do I start? No idea. I have a very short attention span…if something doesn’t inspire me, I switch off. Leaves things to the last minute. Then panic. At least I don’t feel I should move out and get my own place just yet. Ok, I could do with more space…I have two rooms in one! But home is where I am settled for now. That would be a step way too far.
I know perfectly well that these fears are silly. I can hear the cries of ‘get over it’ get on with like’ ‘grow up!’…and yes I agree. But that is easier said than done. I don’t know where to start. Jump in with both feet off a 60 foot cliff? Or tiptoe carefully through the maze of life? My instinct says the latter…..my common sense says the former. My head still prefers the sand.