Lemons for lemonade

Sometimes life throws you lemon after lemon, and you end up with a sour taste in your mouth rather than a beautiful jug of lemonade. It makes you stop and think…what are you doing wrong? There must be something in order for so many signs to be thrown at you. But it’s not always easy to identify exactly what the issue is.

I’ve been trying to organise something for months now, and just as I get to within a millimetre of success, something crops up and thwarts me. Transport not available, at the wrong times, work commitments, health…it’s like someone somewhere is playing a cruel game. I’m not one to give up….I am stubborn to the extreme at times…but I’m beginning to get worn down. There’s only so much I can take. I feel that if I try again, get excited again, all that’s going to happen is further disappointment. And what makes it worse, is that it is no-one’s fault! I can’t blame anyone. Except myself. Which isn’t helpful in the least.

Add to the above, the pressure I feel from other quarters. I’m still learning to drive. I’m the sort of person who doesn’t like failure, or an inability to do well at something. So this is a bit of a sore point. I won’t take my test until I feel confident I can pass, but the problem is, I can’t see me ever feeling confident enough. Underneath the successes, underneath the apparent confidence, I am full of insecurities. That’s why every time someone asks how the driving is going I want to shout at them to shut up! It highlights to me that I haven’t achieved it yet. That I’m not good enough. I understand they are curious, they are probably excited for me to have independence, they are just being friendly, but it grates on me. In a big way. I worry enough about my own abilities without everyone else highlighting it for me too.

Then there is the employment situation. Or lack thereof. I have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea how to achieve it. I have no idea where to start. Plus, I have to admit, I am a lazy person. I can’t motivate myself to just sit and apply for jobs I don’t have enthusiasm for. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. To me, this isn’t a problem in itself. However, there are those that take every opportunity to tease and snipe about me getting a job. And it’s that that gets me down. The feeling I’m disappointing someone. That I’m not good enough. I’ve been to Uni, always got good grades, and still don’t have a direction in life. I’m not earning money. I have money behind me, I keep myself busy…but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

I consider myself a strong person, but it gets to a point where my outer strength crumbles. That’s the point I turn to poetry. And to music. And to my blog. I find it easier to share with my friends second hand…and to write down my thoughts on ‘paper’. Talking doesn’t come naturally to me. Well, not this kind of talking.

Have you ever felt…

 Have you ever felt,
Like your life is crumbling?
A mess strewn
Far and wide.
The more important,
The further away.
The harder to reach.

Have you ever felt,
Like you’re hitting a wall?
Ten feet thick,
Impassable.
Everything you try
Seems impossible.
Seems pointless.

 Have you ever felt,
The battle is already lost?
A waging war
You’ll never win.
But you try anyway
To just succeed.
To not give in.

Advertisements

About awishisarainbow

I have recently finished my degree in Linguistics, and now living back in Mid Wales facing the real world. I love to travel and take photographs. However, I spend more time making clothes and jewellery, and just generally filling my wardrobe with all the colours of the rainbow!!
This entry was posted in Poetry and Prose, Random Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Lemons for lemonade

  1. Kate says:

    A beautifully crafted poem. I can entirely relate to the questions you ask, and answer yes to them. I’ve felt that way before and definitely thought there was no way out. As you know, I love my quotes, but this one really made me see that powering through was the right thing to do…”don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because it is stormy now, doesn’t mean that you aren’t headed for sunshine”. I always say to myself, today I will live in acceptance, rather than expectation 🙂

    Follow your yellow brick road and be happy. You truly are capable of leading a fulfilling life and never forget, a fulfilling life has a different meaning for every single person. 🙂 x x

  2. Aw Liza. This makes me so sad… you are a BRILLIANT person, you are such an inspiration to me. You are so creative, talented, organised, determined- too many adjectives to fit in one comment box!! I know you will find your path and that when you find the right way down it, you will be able to make a living off your talents- you just need to give yourself time to find it.
    As Kate said- everyone’s perception of fulfillment is different and I don’t think you would be happy with a boring office job or working at a supermarket- even if it was for just a little while- it’s just not you. As for driving, I can totally envisage your lack of confidence- it is that which stopped me from progressing any further in my driving too, but there’s no point in rushing yourself into doing it, that will only make you panic and if you don’t pass it, you’ll just end up feeling more dejected.

    Don’t give up on yourself. Take each day as it comes. That’s all you can really ask of yourself.

    As for me, I always find this helps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x95w7GuaOiY

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s